Alcoholism – Effects on Innocents

Alcoholism – a dependence syndrome touched my life from birth until recent times.

My father was a full-blown alcoholic (a man I loved in spite of his addiction). His

days started with his house painting job and ended when the corner bar closed.

For certain this had a multitude of negative effects on my life, from living

arrangements to bullied by classmates for wearing another girl’s hand-me down clothes.

The supposed friend boasted daily about her clothing now being worn by one far

less fortunate, me.

Yes, it’s quite interesting what the mind remembers from years ago.

In my teen years at parties I’d watched my Cape Verdean boyfriend consume booze

until he actually became physically sick. I couldn’t figure out the connection as why

a fairly smart handsome young man would participate in such an activity.

I was one of the few ‘bystanders’ at parties – no way – no thanks – upchucking was

definitely not for me.

Years later I married a man whose family owned two bars. On Friday nights he’d

bartender at one for extra income. He knew better than drink all the freebies

the patrons purchased for him; he was really good at pretend and placed the cash

in a jar.

Time marched on and urban development took the bars and a new adventure

on the scene, a kitchen and lounge. For a few years weekends I waitressed the

kitchen side along with my oldest daughter. I was the nominee due to age factor

venturing over to the lounge whenever a customer requested an alcoholic

beverage.

Did I ever consume alcohol? Yes, three glasses of mixed sweet beverages

to keep hydrated throughout so many Saturday nights, a sip here ‘n there

and right back out on the dance floor.

My marital home contained a good-sized liquor cabinet; however I’m

thankful I never had the desire to indulge in other than the occasional

glass of wine served with dinner and iced cold beer (disliked taste) at

family barbecues.

Perhaps it was my outlook on life ‘don’t want my family to experience

my youth’ since a high percentage follow in their parent(s) footsteps.

This disease as it’s referred has touched many members of my former

family and sad to learn details of each one’s battle and how their life

crumbled as refusal help leaves little loved ones can do for them.

A little twist here – a man from my hometown I met on a dating site.

The first evening we dined out I noticed his glassy eyes only thought

little of them since it was winter and quite cold outdoors. With his

dinner he ordered a beer then another. I dated him on and off for

a period of three years (platonic dates since via his own words I

was a nice woman and he a player).

He suffered from OCD and issues with anxiety thus kept his dates

fairly local. Eventually he told me his story over a three-hour Chinese

meal. He drank due to the loss of his mother at a young age. I

encouraged him to seek help; however my attempts were in vain

One day I plain tired of his games, we parted ways and no

longer communicate via phone nor e-mail messages.

Done!

There’s a valid reason for my writing this post today. A few

months ago I interacted with someone from the creator app my

family has been working for near four years.

The man’s lip synching evoked emotions within me, a gal who’d

pretty much managed to numb out her feelings on life in general.

We became virtual friends and he shared parts of his life, his

treatment and the mechanisms of day-to-day life and the

12-step journey.

I researched a bit and tried my best to let him know how

valuable life is and share with him how at times we all suffer

from degrees of depression.

Then without warning he chose to shut me out – OUCH. My

beautiful inspirational quotes were delivered, perhaps he did

read them only the messenger app’s gray check with a white

tick alerted me to the fact I was being ignored.

This was the end of another journey for me and like before

in the end it was I who’d experience anguish at the loss of a friend.

I’ve vowed never to repeat this pattern again unless the person

with the problem is an actual ‘immediate’ family member.

I’d been warned, I didn’t listen and even at this late stage in

life the wrath of rejection following good deeds is quite hurtful.

Difficult Times

Unbelievable!!

Sitting before computer feeling numb

Decorated Police Sergeant crossed over

Age 52 battle with Covid-19 succumb

Those left behind now broken-hearted

Grief journey begins mourning departed

A firm believer in the Lord questions


Online she watches funeral procession

For those who actually live with someone

Give thanks no idea feeling nights lonesome

Please don’t complain about caddy stuff

Result older woman possibility high throw up

Those who have lost loved ones understand me


Fact two children reside in Heaven unknowns quickly flee


Lately I wonder why God chose a keep me here plan


Renewed zest for living follow major operation stolen

Prepared emotionally,, spiritually obvious not chosen time

Aftermath prisoner intrusive thoughts spite ne’er commit crime

Down-trodden broken-hearted alone this cruel world daily face

Ask Lord reveal reason why actual timing deceit surface

Anger, bitterness ‘n resentment overwhelm
ed fight depression

Inner struggle desire overcome worse should go route confession

No idea if occasional writing reading between lines posts still therapeutic

Guess best keep quiet refrain reveal truth late stage in life serves no purpose

To divulge dirty secrets cause much personal familial strife
and critique

My cross to bear non-wish others burden thanks to real life reveal composer

Qualities of a Good Writer

I find it absolutely amazing how one’s mind wanders throughout the day.

Take for instance this morning my desire to participate in a prompt challenge

became sidetracked, dissuaded when finally I found the correct pingback only

site stated ‘not secure’.

That worded notification to me automatically became a ‘red’ flag.

A much worse case scenario would be my anti-virus software showing a

large red-bordered circle telling me ‘not safe’ which translates to quickly

get off.

Since I awoke to freezing temperatures and found myself with ample time

before an appointment I chose to write – offer up a blog contribution today.

All was not lost as my mind wandered to a totally different direction.

Question ahead faced: “What are the qualities of a good writer?”

Time to research a bit on the web.

In essence I was quite pleased by the one and only article I read, absorbing

the contents while taking notes and hanging onto every word.

The writer broke it down into ‘six’ categories.

Attention to detail was the first quality addressed and ‘yes’ I passed as

I’m constantly observing and taking notes (mental and hand-written).

Discipline was next on the list with reference to frustration in regard

to rewrites, edits and improvements.

Although setting a time schedule for writing was not inclusive it’s
a

well-known fact – one I need to address.

Clarity, strong vocabulary and open to changes are all areas of

writing I’m both familiar with and practiced since the start of my

blogging journey a little over five years ago.

The last category on the list was ‘passion for reading’ and to be

honest with myself I believe I need to prioritize more as we learn

so much from reading another’s works.

I’m extremely thankful my mind directed me elsewhere and now

it’s time to proofread before I publish today’s post while arguing

with the newest writing foe ‘the block editor’.

National Grammar Day – March 4th

Earlier this week I wrote a post – topic Mother’s loss of a child.

The next morning a medical news article stared me in the face – topic blood types.

Curious??

Yes of course I became anxious to learn which blood type found thru studies performed

may lower risk of severity or worse in the current health crisis.

The answer was RH negative, the alien DNA which only 15% of the population

worldwide (of which I’m one) possess = a minority in classes of blood factors.

Countless times the word ‘may’ appeared throughout this article which I did

read in its entirety.

Percentage of immunity??

Comforting words – I think not.

Wonderful I’d been reminded of another loss – a son taken from me before birth

year 1969 due to this blood factor.

Tears flowed..

I wondered how much more of these horrendous memories triggered by words

written I shall have to endure in this lifetime.

The reality is 100% cruel punishment as I recalled the before, during and aftermath

of giving birth to a stillborn son who’d passed two weeks prior to delivery.

My shoulders once strong from weightlifting are slowing weakening a combo of

lack of anaerobic exercise and emotional stress.

I tell myself ‘never give up’ – I read all those nice affirmations and inspirational quotes.

Reality – going it alone in Golden years ‘sucks’.

The past two days I’ve had no choice other than tend to errands – need of nourishment

and medicines.

Yesterday afternoon I finished reading the second psychological thriller novel by the

same author.

Today I took a long nap.


Now what on earth does all the above relate to?

Today while driving from one location to another, the country music station announcer

stated it was ‘National Grammar Day’.

I checked online and ‘yes’ March 4th is the designated day for grammar.

Uumm what about the word ‘may’ that appeared countless times in that article.

Turns out it’s a modal verb that’s used in conjunction with a main verb to

express possibility thereof.

Overwhelmed at this time, I ‘may’ decide to change from my former goal

and write about romantic fantasy.

After all the mind can wander to unknown places and dabbling in fiction

might be fun.

Forget-Me-Nots

This flower was one of several I chose to plant at my daughter’s

gravesite 25 years ago.

To me it symbolized a connection that lasts thru time, true and

undying love for a daughter whose life was taken way too soon.

Time passed; however, the ache of losing her still remains.

A parent’s nightmare!!

Germans coined the name of this flower and there’s a few myths

floating the hemisphere addressing its floral beauty.

One lovers’ myth, although quite sad, warmed my heart.

It read of two lovers walking the Danube River, spotting the bright

blue blossoms, the man’s desire to fetch some of these delicate

petite blue flowers with petals resembling the shape of a mouse’s ear

(cute tidbit of info) for the lady when suddenly swept up by the river.

As he was floating away at a distance he spoke the words to her

to ‘not forget him’.

Romantic!!

If someone asked me why I was writing this post the honest answer

would be, “I have no idea“.

Today isn’t one of those special days, the more painful ones

experienced by a Mother who has lost a child.

Thinking to myself perhaps the answer lies in an event that transpired

earlier today.

This morn’s social media journey was different as I chose to bypass

articles on my homepage’s slideshow.

Rather I headed over here to WordPress and read some truly

inspirational posts – a great start to a sunny, blustery day.

Before I shut down I accessed Facebook to tend to the garden I created

11 years and 5 months ago in memory of my daughter known to some

as TuffiMcGuffi.

In recent weeks the Fairyland app had been under maintenance.

Today it wasn’t listed on the sidebar and I couldn’t find a way to

access it.

Wonderful!!

Another creation taken from me without warning.

Needless to say although I shut the computer off and figured I’d wait

awhile to check back, my mood changed dramatically.






Too Much To Learn

Four years ago when I started my blog I took the suggestion to connect

it to several branches of social media as this method was said to gain

more followers and better overall exposure.

This scenario didn’t happen – number of faithful followers grew

slowly and truth ‘yes’ I found it quite disappointing.

I wasn’t about to purchase followers as to me that’s a cheater’s way

of getting ahead.

The constant changes, the stored passwords disappearances, plus

weekly laptop and cell phone updates became a source of distress.

I thought about quitting blogging period.

In January to my dismay a challenge I participated in prior years

changed its format. Thoroughly disinterested I chose not to

commit myself.

I wondered if I’d ever return to this hobby and then I learned

of a local gal with two published poetry books experiencing

the same lack of interest in daily writing as I.

Phew! A sign of relief for me.

Reflections on my life’s tenure show a gal who despite some rather

terrible odds chose to continue to forge ahead.

I’ve never been a quitter only too much to learn

and lacking assistance became a bit overwhelming.

Time for a hiatus!

Did this former perfectionist self-sabotage her achievements

when about to reach a higher degree of success or

did she sadly become an emotional victim to the worldwide

predicaments beyond her control.

Those who suffer from depression still wear a smile most days.

I’ll know more once I chit-chat with my primary doctor next

week on a Zoom-type connection.

Now for a little questionnaire:

My score ranks quite low – laughable since folks state how you should

refrain from the word ‘never’.

Country gals (I’m one) don’t share these interests rather am happy

NOT being superficial.

I asked myself if I should’ve done this / that and the honest

answer is ‘NO’.

The Inner Critic

Each morning I access my computer for a short period of time prior to

fixing breakfast.

I pick and choose what to read, often scrolling thru a few paragraphs before

moving onto another selection.

Today an article caught my eye (a fact) it had my name written all over it.

The former joyful gal for many years, amidst periods of turmoil, no longer

likes herself.

And then I read how a woman going through a divorce revealed to her

close friends she can’t be happy for others.

Bingo!!

She stated her true feelings and this admission of truth made her friends feel

uncomfortable.

Yes, I’ve experienced the same feeling.

It was never about self-pity rather hope for a bit of support and understanding.

I learned to never expect anything from another individual.

From the contents of this morning’s article I assumed perhaps it better to lie.

Wow!!

This certainly wouldn’t be a good habit to form this late in life.

I thought what on earth can I do about my own personal predicament.

On the internet I found several responses to my search for the top

10 stressors and a list of things that steal your joy.

Fortunately I was able to print it out since although I don’t suffer from

ADHD my attention span is shorter compared to earlier years.

The critical voice in my head’s purpose, to find fault with everything I do,

appears to be operating in overdrive.

You want to try something new automatically a prediction of failure.

I thought I did something well then thought how it could have been done

better.

Chronic stress is actively turning into anxiety and some degree of depression.

Once upon a time I used to wish I’d never been born followed by the belief

I’d never live past age 21.

It’s amazing how a person’s childhood can affect their thinking for the rest

of their life.

I don’t wish to participate and ‘spill my guts’ or ‘hang out dirty family

laundry’.

Sad but true is I’ve been privy to the majority of major stressors on those lists.

Life isn’t fair for all.

Although I’ve accepted the truth that ‘bad things happen to good people

people’ it hasn’t exactly made my life easier to endure each day.

I’m a firm believer that no person who hasn’t experienced the same

negative events can actually know how you feel.

Today I’ll end with a note about Friday the 13th, a day dreaded by superstitious

people. This is a true personal experience.

While enjoying an afternoon playing Bingo at the local senior center, a friend

sitting at the table expressed her concern about this date.

I told her, “Don’t worry Dolores, it’s just a day and bad luck can happen any day.”

Once home my affirmation of positivity turned amuck when I opened my mailbox

and found a letter of legal concern, another court appearance unless I agree to

stated terms.

I couldn’t believe the person with whom I’d spent most of my life would be onboard

with the plan to financially destroy me. (Round #4)

Small wonder I learned to distrust family members plus a few certain friends.

Live and learn.







Forget-Me-Not

3:52 a.m.
Awaken
Still tired – bit confused
Dang tenant lacks consideration

Recipient
Life full deceit
Desperately seeks
Winner be versus admission defeat

Words penned
Mini-story begins
Additional notes topic wisdom
Another chapter versed Ageism

I didn’t realize yesterday was ‘National Forget-Me-Not Day’ until I brought up
the page of my favorite senior center early this morn.

The post must have been incoming the latter portion of the day thus I missed it.

No e-cards sent nor received, no special phone calls nor a quite popular way to say
‘I miss you’ – ‘I remember you’ by sending a packet of Forget-Me-Not seeds via mail.

What’s happened to humans? We forget to remember.

Perhaps a calendar of what each day is special for would be a wonderful
holiday gift.

It’s interesting how a bad experience can alter one’s mood.

Yesterday I asked my hometown group a question with regard to vehicle
inspection stickers and extensions.

I was thankful to the intelligent individuals who replied; however, the group
administrator (name foreign to me) commented I should inquire at the RMV.

It’s interesting how a bit of power from someone younger goes straight to
their head.

Early afternoon while still sunny and balmy I proceeded to the mechanic’s
garage and the sticker good for one year is now adhered on my vehicle’s
windshield.

Today – hey I’m blogging about myself – a page from the daily diary.

I did some writing – three people received e-mails from me as I found it’s best
not to procrastinate when the opportunity arises to write them.

Reading news articles, writing mini-letters – I shouldn’t have sat down on the
couch with my notebook. Why?

No lunch rather took an early p.m. nap. Oh, lovely!!

I’m near 100% certain this post is far from what I would have written had I
remained awake earlier today.

Tired I think I’ll close rather than continue to babble out loud. I realize anyone
who reads this can’t actually hear my voice; they can form their opinion though
based on my thoughts typed here.











The Voice – LOL

Scenario: Walmart’s ladies’ restroom

Immediately after closing the stall door a woman heard the voice of

of a complete stranger posing the question: “Are you all right?”

She politely answered: “Yes, I’m fine.”

The female voice responded with another question.

“So what are you up to?”

The lady thought for a moment then replied: “Uumm, I’m trying to handle

a bit of private business.”

Oh goodness, another question (third one) from the voice – an annoyance.

“Can I come over?

In a rather loud tone the woman responds with: “EXCUSE ME!!”

And then a final comment from the voice: “Listen, sorry I’ll have to

call you back; some idiot in the next stall replies to all my questions.”

Chuckle! Chuckle!

NOTE: It appears people take their cell phones anywhere – everywhere.

Why Am I Here?? I Ask Myself

Today’s submission highlights another numerical square of October’s calendar page. (check)

Recently I received a notification, an anniversary celebration 4 (four) years blogging.


Sadly the followers count appears to place me in the ‘not so popular’ rank / category.

I’ve done my best while dealing with a vast amount of negative circumstances – most

which I chose not to share – as personal info I consider to be private.

I believe we all like to feel we belong somewhere in this vast world only right


now I’m numb.

Every time I join a group the majority of others have a significant other on whom they


can rely.

Since I’m human I can’t help but wonder ’bout all those ‘whys’ with no valid answers.

I feel the need to rethink this goal a bit and decide either to pursue / continue or

quit / give up.

To those bloggers who interact with me and leave nice comments I say ‘Thank you’.

Okay I guess my thoughts are now headed for Blogosphere.

I face the decision to return tomorrow or leave the world of writing over here.