Back on Track

During my younger years I ate healthy and exercised on a regular basis. I was fortunate to remain within my height to weight ratio.

Lots of events transpired in my life throughout the following decades leaving me with a bit of a gray cloud hovering overhead.

I admit it’s extremely difficult to remain positive ‘all the time’ when being knocked down.

The words ‘timeout please’ became part of daily prayer. I learned how hard life can be; it’s not always the rosy picture painted for us during youth.

Fast forward to Ms. Roly Poly carrying two good-sized turkeys onboard. Yes, that’s me I’m making reference to in a joking manner.

What to do? I wasn’t happy with this newfound me whatsoever and I was aware that it was only ‘I’ who could make changes.

Time to get with an exercise program and make better food choices especially for health reasons. I embarked on the new journey of bookkeeping points and posting daily pics of my meals on social media.

Sticking to the regimen wasn’t exactly easy on a daily basis. Once the transformation began the drive to succeed and reach goals set for myself seemed attainable.

I didn’t expect the saboteur. The boyfriend who friend zoned me during Memorial Day weekend and sent me into an abyss of despair. I sank into a funk.

Suddenly I could care less about healthy eating and the daily walks. To sabotage months of progress was both disheartening and unbelievable to me.

At night I would comfort myself with my favorite flavor of ice cream ‘waffle cone’. The half cup turned into half a bowl.

What was I thinking? Certainly large amounts of frozen food containing sweetened and flavored cream couldn’t mend the shattered pieces of my broken heart. I knew what I was doing and somehow I didn’t seem to care.

For months I had measured out portions and ate healthy foods. I’d walked through the historic district of my hometown zigzagging a path through the streets for a period of 30 to 40 minutes on all but inclement weather days. I felt great!

What happened? I kept telling myself soon I’d be held accountable if I didn’t change this newfound mind frame. Thankfully with time the cloud overhead departed as the loss of a loving relationship slowly came to a closure.

The past with the saboteur now holds little significance. Today I weighed in only two pounds more than expected at my doctor’s appointment. Instead of registering a 10 pound loss on my chart the nurse placed the number ‘8’.  I didn’t reach the increment goal set for myself several months ago and that’s okay.

I’m still 41 pounds lighter than when I started my weight loss journey and that’s a plus in the world of shedding pounds.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Enlightenment

Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart – an eye opener for online daters looking for an exclusive long-term relationship.

Although far from impossible to interact with a potential new partner who shares similar interests on a dating site, it’s quite time-consuming to complete the discovery process.

Me, I’m a bit of a wallflower, shy and reserved. I refuse to apologize for being myself. You either like me or move on. If I don’t find you of interest, I politely wish you well on your journey.

A huge dissatisfaction I experienced with online dating was dishonesty by misrepresentation. I basically was in search of an age-appropriate male who resided fairly local and enjoyed the simple joys of life.

I wasn’t impressed by a show of motorcycles, boats or other material items acquired previously. Neither was I in search of a home nor bank account.

To any man who had children onboard I vowed to be no more than a friend to his kids and not step across the line to discipline them. I knew my place.

New beginnings can be quite awkward and one should never underestimate the importance of communication.

A person can learn so much positive and negative about another merely via a few messages or phone conversations.

Unfortunately for me two potential candidates for a written success story of a future together down the road turned sour.

I did quite a bit of soul searching only to find lo and behold I was neither the culprit nor deal-breaker.  I suppose this positive realization should’ve brought me comfort and peace of mind. Thinking back it left me for a brief period in quite a bewildered state. This passed with time.

Refusing to become discouraged, I chose to take a hiatus, master the art of letting go of chasing dreams via Internet and focus on new creations.

One of this morning’s posts in my newsfeed revealed a beautiful Lotus flower. I couldn’t resist doing a little research on it. It’s most important meaning was its’ representation of ‘rebirth’.

“Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.” – a quote from Buddha

Enlightenment.

 

 

 

 

 

Grief Process Revelation

Twenty-two years ago I said a final ‘Good-bye’ to my 28-year old daughter. Five years later my 35-year marriage ended in divorce. In order to heal I had to process these major losses.

I experienced all five stages of grief, working through them and on occasion found myself re-visiting a few. Time doesn’t exactly heal the wounds, rather you learn to live without those you love and your life changes forever.

This year I met a man I thought ‘perhaps’ would fill the void since we appeared quite compatible. Although selective I’d made a wrong choice.

Our short-term relationship dissolved Memorial Day weekend. The smiling, bubbly gal became the quiet, reserved woman amidst friends and acquaintances similar to years ago.

I had no idea I’d be experiencing grief again.  A little research revealed that with each loss the hurt can become worse and thus the reason I sank into a mild depression.

He wanted to remain on a friendship basis with me only I felt if I wasn’t good enough to date anymore then I’d best refrain from any form of contact especially since he made it perfectly clear no chance we’d ever be a couple again in the future.

And thus I went from denial to anger to bargaining. Following came the depression and now I can honestly say, “I’m over him.”

I vow no more chasing dreams via online dating. It’s perfectly okay to be single status. Will I date? Yes. Moving on in the world of blogging with new topics that fill my heart with joy.  Adios relationship complications!

 

 

Relationships in Cyberspace

Each day I see different articles with regard to pros and cons of online dating.

This morning’s read was accompanied by a nice slideshow which I chose to take the time to view.

The majority of the information I was already aware of via personal experience with dating sites.

Over a period of months I’d read various dating guidelines and similar to the ebb and flow of the tide potentials entered my life and left.

I remember how TV commercials and media advertisements held such promise.

A passing thought: I wonder if these sites post current statistics of the percentage of members versus actual match success stories.

Overall, I far from consider this to be one of the more positive experiences during my lifetime.

Rather I liken it more to a waste of precious valuable time. It’s far from easy to secure a date on an intellectual level.

Today’s dating game is one with rules for certain and best you educate yourself on how to deal with players and weirdos.

Men shared their not-so-pleasant stories about experiences with women thus feelings of disappointment are mutual on both sides of the spectrum, both male and female.

Personally, I grew tired of the constant flirts from the same men and their one line messages.

Was I searching for perfection? Not at all.

Where is my prince charming? Obviously he doesn’t exist in cyberspace.

For now I shall opt out and search for another venue in hope of finding a sane, honest and fun-loving man who appreciates the values of a good woman.

21st Century Challenge

To date I managed to attain all goals set for myself during my tenure of life. My resume would read ‘three’ pages in length not counting the references.

I’ve faced the death of two children, divorce after a long-term marriage combined with a ton of deceit. So what could be so challenging in this century – a brand new man is the answer. I’d hoped to spend the last short chapter of life’s journey sharing common interests with him void of a real commitment.

No, I’m not marriage material. I don’t wish to go down that road ever again. I merely wanted an exclusive relationship, mutual respect and of course love mixed into the equation.

I ponder the thought: ‘Is a relationship this easy so complicated for a man.’

Four months into bliss ends due to lack of one word ‘communication’. Unbelievable!

I chose to focus on his positives and dealt with his negatives and never gave up hope for us. Research, enlightenment and non-aggression all in play here yet he bails via a text.

Trying to make sense of such behavioral pattern I reflect back on time together and time apart. We liked each other. No question nor qualms there. We enjoyed each other’s company and we gave each other space for our own personal friends, families and hobbies.

So it’s over or crossing back to friends which is rather difficult. In my mind I think: ‘If I were a man I’d have been thankful to have found a near-perfect match and tried to keep her in my life especially since she was so understanding and not making a multitude of demands.’

 

 

 

 

Miscommunication Freeze

A text versus an actual phone call resulted in heartbreak. My reply with various not-so-nice words a man would rather not hear either hurt you or freed you up to not face the task of collateral damage yourself.  We’re over!

Ours was a rollercoaster romance – even I ran hot and cold on you. There were valid reasons that most woman would flee from at first site – only your good traits were my focus.

One hundred percent is what I offered up only to be shut out when those desperate incoming phone calls for cash blew up your cell phone accompanied by numerous frantic e-messages on social network.

You chose to punish me, the gal who was there for you in areas your own family members failed you. You didn’t want to have a conversation. You didn’t want to share. Instead you’d rather sit home, become unkempt and smoke weed.

I was supposed to be understanding always. Honestly I’ll never know the mechanisms of thinking of the male mind.

You never really tore me down via altercation rather you let my heart drop to the floor. Yes, I was one pissed off woman with good reason. Lack of communication.

A few days pass and you decide you want to be just friends – OUCH!  No re-dos? I didn’t think one could cross back over the line from lover to friends especially when a breakup is fresh and I still have feelings for you.

Okay, I thought I’d give it a try in hopes you’d have a change of heart. Hmmm…one hopeless romantic. I erred.

Two weeks pass and realization is tis pointless to waste another iota of my precious time on you. The severance of ties completely is what I need to heal.

In honesty if you had cared you’d have made an effort to fix us. It’s evident now my gut feeling all along was right on – you are a player who taught me a good lesson – one not to be repeated in the future.

Next time, I’ll pay much closer to mixed signals.

 

 

Figment of Your Imagination

Tomorrow is the scheduled date of the foreclosure auction of our co-owned home.  You who remained a ‘squatter’ in the cute 3 bedroom ranch have failed to prepare yourself for the inevitable.

You appear to have pipedreams and I’ve become merely an apparition throughout the past seven years since tired from working two jobs while draining my savings chose to flee the premises.

Three weeks ago a relative brought to my attention the local newspaper’s legal notice ‘Mortgagee’s Sale of Real Estate’. A sincere attempt to contact you via phone and inform you was met with a slew of F-bombs thus I chose to press end the call and not listen to your outrageous mannerisms.

You entered my life under false pretenses when I was most vulnerable. You were so sweet back then saying all the right words. When the charm wore off I learned the meaning of the word insidious.

I wonder what was going thru your mind last evening when you called me out of the blue. Did you think your distress call would result in this good-hearted woman you supposedly loved so much offering up cash.

Your call is one I should have let go to voice mail. I never knew a man could talk non-stop unless behind a podium in the world of politics. Tired of listening to your blah, blah and more blahs, I placed my cell phone on the couch and watched TV while you continued to rant on and on about poor you.

Nearly an hour passed before the cell phone’s battery chose to eliminate you from close proximity via electronic wave lengths.

I fear you are on your own as I’ve had to deal with and resolve my own personal problems with little assistance from you in recent years. The gal you once knew toughened up changing her persona since forced to live in survival mode.

I’m similar to synonymous with a pipedream’s nightmare as I no longer fall prey to your schemes.

This morn I ran the statistics on the house. Wow! The value has increased 30.06K. The successful bidder a.k.a. buyer is likely to get one fantastic deal.

No amount of nice words flowing from your mouth would ever change my disdain for you and the ordeal you put me through.

I wish you well. Reality here is I hope never to hear from you again during this last chapter of my life. I was a blessing and you managed to drive me away with your lack of common sense combined with laziness.

 

 

 

 

When Tempers Flare

The messenger app dings. I dismiss it for the moment. My daughter, a hair stylist, is finishing up braiding my blonde hair for tonight’s date. I consider myself a creative creature, young for my age and enjoy surprising my man. Today I’ve opted for a bit of the country look.

Top stylists demand pricey fees for up-to-date procedures. My daughter stays informed on what’s new in fashionista.  I’m fortunate to get a huge reduction since I merely offer up price of product plus a tip which she often tells me to keep for myself. It’s nice to have a grateful daughter who realizes it was Mom who once did all the fashion braids on her hair back in the late 80s.

A touch of entitlement accompanied with appreciation for services rendered – Thank you!

She and I live less than 5 minutes away in distance so I choose to wait until back home to retrieve all messages. I look at the cell phone screen and see my current boyfriend’s profile name. His message starts with my name (quite touching) followed by “I won’t be able to make it tonight”.

I’m dumbfounded at this point. A few hours earlier on social network he messaged me with an arrival time.

Usually it’s better to play the ‘wait and see’ card only I’m somewhat beyond angry at this point since I had plans and he via text destroyed them.

I’ve been more than understanding with him during the past few months. This is the final straw. You pal pushed my Irish tyranny button. I’ll have the last say and you won’t like what I type at you.

OMG I’m 70 years in age acting like a teenager in a totally non-adult manner. I wonder how do adults my age react when faced with being stood up without a reason.

I text my daughter. She tells me, “Ma, don’t do anything stupid.” Oops! Too late. I already sent the reply text and social network won’t allow me to delete the message.

For every action there’s always a reaction and I know in my heart his hardheadedness will not allow me back into his life.

This is where I erred allowing my Irish temper to be in the driver’s seat and take a wrong turn. I shall live to regret this directional signal.

Back to single status with yet another lesson learned under my belt – cool off, rethink then react.