Alcoholism – Effects on Innocents

Alcoholism – a dependence syndrome touched my life from birth until recent times.

My father was a full-blown alcoholic (a man I loved in spite of his addiction). His

days started with his house painting job and ended when the corner bar closed.

For certain this had a multitude of negative effects on my life, from living

arrangements to bullied by classmates for wearing another girl’s hand-me down clothes.

The supposed friend boasted daily about her clothing now being worn by one far

less fortunate, me.

Yes, it’s quite interesting what the mind remembers from years ago.

In my teen years at parties I’d watched my Cape Verdean boyfriend consume booze

until he actually became physically sick. I couldn’t figure out the connection as why

a fairly smart handsome young man would participate in such an activity.

I was one of the few ‘bystanders’ at parties – no way – no thanks – upchucking was

definitely not for me.

Years later I married a man whose family owned two bars. On Friday nights he’d

bartender at one for extra income. He knew better than drink all the freebies

the patrons purchased for him; he was really good at pretend and placed the cash

in a jar.

Time marched on and urban development took the bars and a new adventure

on the scene, a kitchen and lounge. For a few years weekends I waitressed the

kitchen side along with my oldest daughter. I was the nominee due to age factor

venturing over to the lounge whenever a customer requested an alcoholic

beverage.

Did I ever consume alcohol? Yes, three glasses of mixed sweet beverages

to keep hydrated throughout so many Saturday nights, a sip here ‘n there

and right back out on the dance floor.

My marital home contained a good-sized liquor cabinet; however I’m

thankful I never had the desire to indulge in other than the occasional

glass of wine served with dinner and iced cold beer (disliked taste) at

family barbecues.

Perhaps it was my outlook on life ‘don’t want my family to experience

my youth’ since a high percentage follow in their parent(s) footsteps.

This disease as it’s referred has touched many members of my former

family and sad to learn details of each one’s battle and how their life

crumbled as refusal help leaves little loved ones can do for them.

A little twist here – a man from my hometown I met on a dating site.

The first evening we dined out I noticed his glassy eyes only thought

little of them since it was winter and quite cold outdoors. With his

dinner he ordered a beer then another. I dated him on and off for

a period of three years (platonic dates since via his own words I

was a nice woman and he a player).

He suffered from OCD and issues with anxiety thus kept his dates

fairly local. Eventually he told me his story over a three-hour Chinese

meal. He drank due to the loss of his mother at a young age. I

encouraged him to seek help; however my attempts were in vain

One day I plain tired of his games, we parted ways and no

longer communicate via phone nor e-mail messages.

Done!

There’s a valid reason for my writing this post today. A few

months ago I interacted with someone from the creator app my

family has been working for near four years.

The man’s lip synching evoked emotions within me, a gal who’d

pretty much managed to numb out her feelings on life in general.

We became virtual friends and he shared parts of his life, his

treatment and the mechanisms of day-to-day life and the

12-step journey.

I researched a bit and tried my best to let him know how

valuable life is and share with him how at times we all suffer

from degrees of depression.

Then without warning he chose to shut me out – OUCH. My

beautiful inspirational quotes were delivered, perhaps he did

read them only the messenger app’s gray check with a white

tick alerted me to the fact I was being ignored.

This was the end of another journey for me and like before

in the end it was I who’d experience anguish at the loss of a friend.

I’ve vowed never to repeat this pattern again unless the person

with the problem is an actual ‘immediate’ family member.

I’d been warned, I didn’t listen and even at this late stage in

life the wrath of rejection following good deeds is quite hurtful.

Difficult Times

Unbelievable!!

Sitting before computer feeling numb

Decorated Police Sergeant crossed over

Age 52 battle with Covid-19 succumb

Those left behind now broken-hearted

Grief journey begins mourning departed

A firm believer in the Lord questions


Online she watches funeral procession

For those who actually live with someone

Give thanks no idea feeling nights lonesome

Please don’t complain about caddy stuff

Result older woman possibility high throw up

Those who have lost loved ones understand me


Fact two children reside in Heaven unknowns quickly flee


Lately I wonder why God chose a keep me here plan


Renewed zest for living follow major operation stolen

Prepared emotionally,, spiritually obvious not chosen time

Aftermath prisoner intrusive thoughts spite ne’er commit crime

Down-trodden broken-hearted alone this cruel world daily face

Ask Lord reveal reason why actual timing deceit surface

Anger, bitterness ‘n resentment overwhelm
ed fight depression

Inner struggle desire overcome worse should go route confession

No idea if occasional writing reading between lines posts still therapeutic

Guess best keep quiet refrain reveal truth late stage in life serves no purpose

To divulge dirty secrets cause much personal familial strife
and critique

My cross to bear non-wish others burden thanks to real life reveal composer

Past Tired of Negatives

A few weeks ago I made a promise to myself to write ‘positive’ posts as people

either enjoy drama, disagree or flee from the follower count community.

I even gave my new project a title ‘Tapestry of My Life’ and then as usual

since walking from a relationship that drained my savings account ‘problems.

Perhaps in 2010 I wasn’t thinking thru the impulsive move that would soon

find me face-to-face with unbelievable dire effects void of actual solutions and

assistance.

Eleven years together and now we were arguing on a daily basis.

I wanted to escape.

I wanted to secure a residence.

The downfall in the economic situation led to my long term partner’s

sudden unemployment.

Our home was headed for foreclosure.

He frowned on working more local for one half his salary.

Although I understood the principle behind his thinking pattern, I had

no clue he was suffering from depression.

Rather I attributed his actions or inaction to lack of common sense as

to me some income was better than none.

I moved alright – from the frying pan into the fire!

Sadly, I regret the only impulsive decision I ever made (if correct) in

my entire life.

There’s a lesson here: “Give plenty of thought to what’s happening around

you, the future down the road and those who claim they’ll be there for you.”

I accessed my blog earlier to 1. participate in a prompt challenge and 2. to

share about when, how, with whom I started my ‘creative’ journey only my

thoughts took a 360 degree turn when noises arose from my kitchen sink.

No forewarning, no notifications of scheduled maintenance – basically no

clues unless one contacts the office with questions.

The downside of tenancy in an apartment complex from which the

likelihood of securing future residence appears to be next to nil at this time..

Too Much To Learn

Four years ago when I started my blog I took the suggestion to connect

it to several branches of social media as this method was said to gain

more followers and better overall exposure.

This scenario didn’t happen – number of faithful followers grew

slowly and truth ‘yes’ I found it quite disappointing.

I wasn’t about to purchase followers as to me that’s a cheater’s way

of getting ahead.

The constant changes, the stored passwords disappearances, plus

weekly laptop and cell phone updates became a source of distress.

I thought about quitting blogging period.

In January to my dismay a challenge I participated in prior years

changed its format. Thoroughly disinterested I chose not to

commit myself.

I wondered if I’d ever return to this hobby and then I learned

of a local gal with two published poetry books experiencing

the same lack of interest in daily writing as I.

Phew! A sign of relief for me.

Reflections on my life’s tenure show a gal who despite some rather

terrible odds chose to continue to forge ahead.

I’ve never been a quitter only too much to learn

and lacking assistance became a bit overwhelming.

Time for a hiatus!

Did this former perfectionist self-sabotage her achievements

when about to reach a higher degree of success or

did she sadly become an emotional victim to the worldwide

predicaments beyond her control.

Those who suffer from depression still wear a smile most days.

I’ll know more once I chit-chat with my primary doctor next

week on a Zoom-type connection.

Now for a little questionnaire:

My score ranks quite low – laughable since folks state how you should

refrain from the word ‘never’.

Country gals (I’m one) don’t share these interests rather am happy

NOT being superficial.

I asked myself if I should’ve done this / that and the honest

answer is ‘NO’.

A Wandering Mind

I think
I reminisce

I think
I look at what is

Life hardened me
Angry, bitter old be

Good memories fore’er thine
Impossible relive turn back time

Waiting for storm ‘n struggle pass
New day – new problem face alas

Patience doubtful future’s forecast
Living circumstances endurance last

Despite number respective tries
Reality for me alone destined die

Morbid thoughts knowledge ahead
Diagnosis God-awful ‘C’ October’s dread

Past few weeks filled surprise negativities
Brought thru channels hard aged perceive

Unbelievable full circle life end this way
Depression’s toll on gal each ‘n every day

Smiling ‘n its’ continual outward presence
Private life’s factual happiness mere pretense





Anxiety – Fear – Invisible Enemy

A good writer
An avid reader 
Aft news gardener 

Time it takes to sit and read
Methods world population proceed
Particles of media outdated chose weed

Tis hard to believe age matters
Those 60 or over Triage procedures
Italians no longer treated – poor elderly

Sadness worldwide grows
Amidst medical status quo
Threat worsens new week unfolds

Sufferer anxiety ‘n depression
Counterproductive thoughts lessen
Social media access with discretion

 

 

Depression – Empty Feelings

Realization and admission of factors set me back – impossible move forward path.

Tired of all the bull-crap people peddle seems like each forgot wear rubber boots

before dancing in puddles. 

It’s hard to admit defeat – always thought continue the struggle – win – beat.

Tis not I consider self a failure; tis trying to do too much late in life alone well

competition difficult for one-man band.

I’ve read the posts written about events of people’s weeks – interesting some

complain while others embellish.

I’m onboard with knowledge of people prefer positivity over negativity only

a certain few need to get grips on own reality.  

Life seems easier for the rich – harder for the middle class.

Does that any longer actually exist?

I empathize with the minority folk extremely poor.

The percentage of humans suffering due to circumstances beyond their control

continues to grow – a first morning read facts untold.

Scrolled down to find a well-written article on the topic of the global

virus beginning to hit close to home in the states – no concern social status.

It’s truly scary – people worldwide panic-stricken – actual number of victims risen.

When shopping in recent days I’ve witnessed people wearing masks.

Try not overthink since reasons why crossed my mind be measure precautionary 

Versus someone been in close contact with infected person possibility.

Went on to read an article about a benign illness my own body had succumbed to

back in the 90s. Various thoughts ran thru my head due to words I read – really?

An actual patient educated with facts I was quite shocked to read some words

because I questioned those written facts.

Unbelievable but true: 

I actually was thankful when my computer malfunctioned – usual an occurrence

often dread.

Well I’ve blogged today – no prompts rather lots of random thoughts. 

With that I’ll leave you with a beautiful picture-perfect inspirational quote

which could be the front of a Hallmark card uncertain what occasion though

‘Thinking of You’ how nice: 

 

quote about life from unknown author

 

 

 

 

Late Life Learning Lessons

Do I stay or do I go?

The question ask – once – twice -thrice

Smile worn –  a detective mask 

A scout in search of viable answers

Unfortunately pen ran out of ink 

Throes levels depression sink

Desires imperative manifest 

Senior Centers gather social places

Manifest Your Desires

In response to:

#3TC – mask – scout – pen

Late Life Learning Lessons

#RDP – go

Late Life Learning Lessons

#FOWC – social

Late Life Learning Lessons

 

 

 

Loneliness – an Emotional Prison

Alone on park bench I sit

Amidst beautiful flowers

Rays of radiant sunshine

Caress my worn-out face

Feeling so very defeated

Tired of life’s daily rat race

Who feign happiness this new year

What happened – a setback find myself return sad place

When others speak unimportant woes I think disgrace

Why instant stomach churns rocks wish at them throw 

Scream out loud – Shut up since my plight you don’t know

The journey taken thru dark places taught me distrust humans

I find it so very hard to believe faithfulness turn questionable God’s plan.

sad with no shoulder to cry on