Overcoming an Avoidance Pattern

The Sunflower (genus Helianthus) a flower found in the
backyard vegetable garden triggered a panic attack for me.

While browsing racks of women’s tops in one of the mall’s
popular clothing stores I came across a navy-blue tunic
adorned with sunflowers.

Suddenly I was overcome with fear and sudden desire to
flee the store leaving behind the shopping cart.

I pondered the sequence of events and soon made a near
unbelievable discovery.

The blouse on the clothing rack bore a strong resemblance
to the one I found hanging on my adult child’s bedroom
door (unworn with tags on) when I was cleaning out her
apartment following her departure to Heaven.

Thus began an avoidance of any and all sunflower items.

Time heals and this year I chose to participate with other
players in the seasonal summer quest on the Fairyland app
I created 12 years plus 10 months ago in memory of my
beautiful daughter a.k.a. Tuffi McGuffi.



Tooting My Own Horn Today 😊

Tis a bit out of character for me to boast about anything until I considered ‘why
not’ ~ people do it every day on social media via uploading photos and videos of
their ‘happiest’ moments.

Few people know much about me. There are personal reasons I keep my life
private. The penned poetry I post is done in a manner for the reader to think,
guess and form ‘their’ own opinion.

On a whim toward the end of April (Poetry month) I placed an entry into a
Poetry contest held at my local library.

The first surprise for me was seeing my poem linked in on various websites.
A few weeks later I received a beautiful card with the monetary gift certificate
and words of congratulations.

I consider this a turning point (an honor) within the writing -poetry community.
It fueled my desire to go forth in hopes to attain the last goal I’d set for myself.

With the assistance of an already published author I met during my tenure on
WP I now have knowledge of what it takes to get a book published.

1. It sometimes pays to take a chance; you’ll never win if you fail to try.
2. It’s okay to ask for help rather than try to DIY. Some individuals are
wonderful humans = NICE.










Virtual Friends 😞

Throughout the day while doing my chores and errands
I thought about this morning’s discovery on my WP app.

Previous to the discovery I was replying to comments from
my notification section.

I accessed a post written and published yesterday via a
different path and found the text one huge square void
of paragraphs, sentence following sentence.

This of course was a bit disturbing to me, so I checked
other pathways to the post and how it appeared when
transferred elsewhere.

Fine in the Reader, a little different on actual site but
not too bothersome so I continued with the seek ‘n find
search leaving the app on the cell phone for last.

All was fine there, and I could breathe a sigh of relief. 😊

I don’t use the phone that much to read posts, etc. and
today I decided to peer around and familiarize myself
more with the app.

I came across a section ‘a followers list’ with each person
who follows me listed and the date in number of days,
months ending with the year they hopped onboard this
gal’s blogging followers’ ship.

I failed to see a friend’s name on this list, a blogger
whose prompts I’ve participated in on a frequent basis.
I double-checked and ‘no’ the name was nowhere to be
found.

What a disappointment for me. I don’t know what to think
or if I should question said individual.

To hide behind a masque is something I expect on social
media apps, not on a blogging site.

As I end this post, I shall leave you with a quote I heard
from an Instagram reel:

“Unfortunately, some people will learn to appreciate you
by losing you. Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated.

If people treat you like an option, leave them like a choice.
You are worth being loved and valued.”

I made the decision to refrain from prompt challenges in
the future and concentrate on my own project(s).

There were numerous bloggers on the list whom I don’t
follow at this time and I shall make time to check out
those blogs to see what we may have in common.

I have no idea if this is some crazy error or a reality
check on here for me.

No Internet Connection: Aggravation

Yesterday early morn when the internet was still available I
started deleting photos (a process in progress) to free up
space.
And then I came across a ‘shortcut’ only to find numerous
photos and documents relocated when technology decided
to take over.
Lovely, I thought to myself as I proceeded to access each
and decide if to keep or place in recycle bin.
Then I found a poem I’d written in 2018 and thought I’d
repost it after my errands were completed for the day.
Surprise, surprise ‘no internet connection’ which lasted for
several hours.
Today I searched the year I posted the poem on here and
with 12 months to the calendar year of course the last one
I accessed showed the poem.
In shock I looked at the format and wondered why the
words followed one another rather than in a poem’s format.
Anyway, I’ll repost the poem I wrote.
“The Empty Hole”

Exterior thankful whole
Interior broken heart holds

Grief assimilates tides ebbs and flows
Five stages conclusion sudden undertow

Sadness empty gape forever unpaved
Thankful ‘Lord’ concrete faith to me gave

No prelude exhaustive process loss
Survivors bear unfathomable cross

Acceptance unchosen future alone alas
Society’s behaviors liken senseless crass.

I read this and to myself thought how
little my thoughts and feelings changed
during the past three plus years following
penning this poem.

Imprisoned by emotions:

Sunday Poser #69

Topic:  ‘hoarding
Questions: 
Do you hoard or collect things so that you don’t run out of them?
And if you do and later on find that you don’t need them after all,
what do you do with them?

Until recent times I’d have to answer ‘no‘ since I don’t consider
stocking up on everyday items, especially due to harsh winters,
a problem known in today’s world as ‘hoarding‘.

The chest freezer was full; the panty had a sufficient food supply
and in some cabinets could be found some ‘just in case’ items.
I don’t recollect excess storage of any one item other than fabric
or yarn purchased on sale.
Organization was great – all items had a set place with room for
limited expansion.

Fast forward ~ comparison:
During the last decade, divorced and suffering from severe anxiety
combined with chronic depression thanks to nasty circumstances,
I started not to care about my surroundings.

A new attitude:
‘I’ll get around to it tomorrow’ turned my life upside down again.
True ’twas impossible to stuff one’s belongings from an actual
3BR house into a one-bedroom apartment’. Reality is there wasn’t
enough room and thus started the problem.

My child tried to convince me that what I was surrounded by was
considered clean clutter.

Mind you years prior I’d donated items to two local senior centers,
sold clothing at a consignment store, given away perfectly good
stuff to acquaintances and sold items on my eBay store.

As I have no individual who desires any of my hand-me downs,
I opted to hire a cleaning professional. As luck would have it the
Pandemic reared its ugly head and thus a postponement of much
needed assistance.

One day a wakeup call and no choice other than take a risk with
masks worn.
With kitchen, living room and bathroom near complete along
came variant Omicron – another delay.

It’s a daily battle to abstain from idea ‘leave it for tomorrow’.

I’ll be thankful when this process is finalized and believe me I have
no desire to return to the scenario I allowed the creation thereof.
I hadn’t reached the 1st level when I realized I had no choice than
ask for help. Me, myself and I couldn’t handle the work.

The saddest lesson I’ve learned in life is ‘never expect anything
from anyone’ in spite of how good you treated them thru the
years.

For those of you who have no idea, there are 5 levels of hoarding
and the internet has a wealth of information to educate oneself
with regard to this topic.

https://lifeafter50forwomen.com/2022/02/27/sunday-poser-69/

99 Words ~ I’d Rather Be . . .

In love with a person in love with me
No other place on earth ‘I’d rather be’

Dear Lord, I plead grant me a miracle
Decade dates round and round circles

Time passes friends arrive gone soon
Unable understand reason misfortune

Bad things good people thou resonate
Failures versus successes odds postulate

Behavioral patterns time change dream grandiose
Male population present billions inhabit cosmos

Exude warmth radiate confidence double-check
Ne’er again role play thee innocent pencil-neck

Self-care journey exercises journaled full-blown
Honesty practice still best policy thee e’er known

Summer months ahead hopeful become faith over fear winner.

https://lifeafter50forwomen.com/2022/02/25/99-words-id-rather-be/

Throwback Thursday ~ No: 25

Topic: Mentors and Role Models

I chose ‘three’ women from my past who believed in me,

encouraged me and reiterated over and over to ‘never give

up in life’.

The first is the ‘park lady’, a woman who during summer

months spent her days teaching youth who never had the

opportunity to go on an actual vacation with parents. an

assortment of crafts.

This young woman taught me how to sew. Two summers

in a row at the conclusion of the summer program’s special

event I won ‘first’ place ribbons for the skirts I’d hand-sewn.

It was the beginning of a fun hobbie for me. Several years

I took night courses at the local vocational high school

(Sewing101 thru Advanced Sewing & Tailoring).

‘What a wonderful feeling of accomplishment to view dresses

I’d sewn for special occasions on display at the school’s craft fair’.

Later in life I pursued the art of quilting, an excellent

choice to use up one’s 100 percent cotton remnants.

The second person who influenced my life was a

business teacher who watched me, a young teen

with great potential, suddenly become a no-show

for class resulting in a drastic drop in grades.

She kept me after class one day and inquired to what

was different in my life. I had moved and started hanging

with the wrong crowd.

Her words were truly the wakeup call I needed to hear.

Someone actually cares about me.

From that day forward I vowed to never be truant again and

hand in ALL assignments on time.

Last on my list of whom to thank is an elementary teacher who

graduated with me each year. On Saturday mornings she taught

a French class from home and I was able to go ‘free of charge’.

She was there for me thru high school and beyond even attended

my wedding.

Each year she’d send me a beautiful Christmas card. Many times

she’d write words I so needed to hear with regard to perseverance

in my life.

“You’re such a smart young woman; please don’t ever give up on

yourself.”

My life has not been a bed of roses. On occasion I share bits and

pieces.

As I’m taking this trip down memory lane typing away tears are

streaming down my face.

I thank God for those ladies who influenced my life in a positive

manner.

Older and much wiser I know who does and doesn’t have my best

interests at heart.

https://fromcavewalls.wordpress.com/2022/02/10/throwback-thursday-25-mentors-and-role-models/








The Sunday Whirl No: 539

Overnight freezing rain fell
Cat litter dumpster toss smells

Best shot purchase H2o body warm dress
Short walk local store road conditions mess 

With hesitation proceed walk middle iced peaks
Mounds melting snow similar water main leak

Brief reprieve from off ‘n on overhead vibrating
True facts tenant weekends heard to floor nailing

Unknown device cut chances e’er peaceful night’s sleep
Brushed hair walking zombie self-think methods count sheep

https://sundaywhirl.wordpress.com/2002/02/06/wordle-539/