Too Much To Learn

Four years ago when I started my blog I took the suggestion to connect

it to several branches of social media as this method was said to gain

more followers and better overall exposure.

This scenario didn’t happen – number of faithful followers grew

slowly and truth ‘yes’ I found it quite disappointing.

I wasn’t about to purchase followers as to me that’s a cheater’s way

of getting ahead.

The constant changes, the stored passwords disappearances, plus

weekly laptop and cell phone updates became a source of distress.

I thought about quitting blogging period.

In January to my dismay a challenge I participated in prior years

changed its format. Thoroughly disinterested I chose not to

commit myself.

I wondered if I’d ever return to this hobby and then I learned

of a local gal with two published poetry books experiencing

the same lack of interest in daily writing as I.

Phew! A sign of relief for me.

Reflections on my life’s tenure show a gal who despite some rather

terrible odds chose to continue to forge ahead.

I’ve never been a quitter only too much to learn

and lacking assistance became a bit overwhelming.

Time for a hiatus!

Did this former perfectionist self-sabotage her achievements

when about to reach a higher degree of success or

did she sadly become an emotional victim to the worldwide

predicaments beyond her control.

Those who suffer from depression still wear a smile most days.

I’ll know more once I chit-chat with my primary doctor next

week on a Zoom-type connection.

Now for a little questionnaire:

My score ranks quite low – laughable since folks state how you should

refrain from the word ‘never’.

Country gals (I’m one) don’t share these interests rather am happy

NOT being superficial.

I asked myself if I should’ve done this / that and the honest

answer is ‘NO’.

B E C A U S E . . .

2020 Pandemic
Reason disheartened


Tired life’s obstacles
Constants ne’er reach goals

Key success determination
Numbness replace observation


Truth reveal dislike holidays
Experiences life full regrets dismay

Questions unanswered
Situations goals hampered

Alone time reflections
Fruition ne’er thanks him


Classification not perfection
Kindness practice no expectations

Times consider why continue bother
Goals destination definite become harder

Start New Year 2021 approach begin
Quit guarantees naysayers automatic win

Rethink conditions present quandary
Tactfulness proceed dismiss boundaries

Tenure life existence multitude reasons
Hope ‘n prayers ahead worthwhile season




Monday’s Frustrations

I can’t believe tis nearing noon hour already. I wish night hours flew by at

Nascar speeds.

Ahead lies an issue to resolve: ‘The yearly update of my anti-virus software set on auto-

renew.’

Fee deducted from bank account (check) – confirmation e-mail (check)

The OMG moment . . .

Pressed the download button – looked up – URL address popped up states


‘not a secure site’.

WHAT??

Ah this should be fun since rarely (especially these days) can you be connected to

and converse with an actual human.

It’s been quite an interesting weekend and today the WP Reader keeps jumping thus

no idea what I’ve missed the last 24 hours.


Before I leave and start the resolution process, I thought I’d share the contents of

a text received on a cell phone only a few have the number thereof.


A job offer:

If interested in employment for this state agency please forward a photo copy

of both sides of three different identification cards listed plus a recent picture of

yourself.


Unbelievable!!

The Inner Critic

Each morning I access my computer for a short period of time prior to

fixing breakfast.

I pick and choose what to read, often scrolling thru a few paragraphs before

moving onto another selection.

Today an article caught my eye (a fact) it had my name written all over it.

The former joyful gal for many years, amidst periods of turmoil, no longer

likes herself.

And then I read how a woman going through a divorce revealed to her

close friends she can’t be happy for others.

Bingo!!

She stated her true feelings and this admission of truth made her friends feel

uncomfortable.

Yes, I’ve experienced the same feeling.

It was never about self-pity rather hope for a bit of support and understanding.

I learned to never expect anything from another individual.

From the contents of this morning’s article I assumed perhaps it better to lie.

Wow!!

This certainly wouldn’t be a good habit to form this late in life.

I thought what on earth can I do about my own personal predicament.

On the internet I found several responses to my search for the top

10 stressors and a list of things that steal your joy.

Fortunately I was able to print it out since although I don’t suffer from

ADHD my attention span is shorter compared to earlier years.

The critical voice in my head’s purpose, to find fault with everything I do,

appears to be operating in overdrive.

You want to try something new automatically a prediction of failure.

I thought I did something well then thought how it could have been done

better.

Chronic stress is actively turning into anxiety and some degree of depression.

Once upon a time I used to wish I’d never been born followed by the belief

I’d never live past age 21.

It’s amazing how a person’s childhood can affect their thinking for the rest

of their life.

I don’t wish to participate and ‘spill my guts’ or ‘hang out dirty family

laundry’.

Sad but true is I’ve been privy to the majority of major stressors on those lists.

Life isn’t fair for all.

Although I’ve accepted the truth that ‘bad things happen to good people

people’ it hasn’t exactly made my life easier to endure each day.

I’m a firm believer that no person who hasn’t experienced the same

negative events can actually know how you feel.

Today I’ll end with a note about Friday the 13th, a day dreaded by superstitious

people. This is a true personal experience.

While enjoying an afternoon playing Bingo at the local senior center, a friend

sitting at the table expressed her concern about this date.

I told her, “Don’t worry Dolores, it’s just a day and bad luck can happen any day.”

Once home my affirmation of positivity turned amuck when I opened my mailbox

and found a letter of legal concern, another court appearance unless I agree to

stated terms.

I couldn’t believe the person with whom I’d spent most of my life would be onboard

with the plan to financially destroy me. (Round #4)

Small wonder I learned to distrust family members plus a few certain friends.

Live and learn.







The Cloud

Atop the mountain view
Most worrisome cloud e’er knew


Golden years sad constant blacken
Plague negative sources ’bout happen


Majority folks petrified country dread
Cloud huge looms day-after-day overhead


Supermarket shelves items hard shoppers find
Thanks greedy humans playing card unkind


Schooling options hybrid versus remote online
Job loss everywhere large unemployment lines


Chaos, civil unrest amid considered life new norm
Masks requirement mandatory – optional gloves worn


Social distancing limit interaction family and friends
Weeks turn months – questionable period curse e’er end


Positive smiles worn hidden constant concerns fear
Await cell phone notification alert country fine – all clear










Why Am I Here?? I Ask Myself

Today’s submission highlights another numerical square of October’s calendar page. (check)

Recently I received a notification, an anniversary celebration 4 (four) years blogging.


Sadly the followers count appears to place me in the ‘not so popular’ rank / category.

I’ve done my best while dealing with a vast amount of negative circumstances – most

which I chose not to share – as personal info I consider to be private.

I believe we all like to feel we belong somewhere in this vast world only right


now I’m numb.

Every time I join a group the majority of others have a significant other on whom they


can rely.

Since I’m human I can’t help but wonder ’bout all those ‘whys’ with no valid answers.

I feel the need to rethink this goal a bit and decide either to pursue / continue or

quit / give up.

To those bloggers who interact with me and leave nice comments I say ‘Thank you’.

Okay I guess my thoughts are now headed for Blogosphere.

I face the decision to return tomorrow or leave the world of writing over here.












Take 7 – October 9th 2020

Prompt words: back – blood – cheeky – clever – flower – food – fright – gain – high –
joy – old – once – pain – persevere – rivalry – start – style – success

Cheeky behavior
Puzzlement clever

Blood begins boil
Fright obesity life spoils

Patience return
Rivalry backpack spurn

Weight gain
Never-ending pain

Joy decades old
Metabolism slowed


Program start
Food choices smart

Determination road success
Persevere behavioral style impress


Bouquet flowers self-reward
Weight once high – loss shown clipboard

https://pensitivity101.wordpress.com/2020/10/09/take-seven-9th-october/




A Wandering Mind

I think
I reminisce

I think
I look at what is

Life hardened me
Angry, bitter old be

Good memories fore’er thine
Impossible relive turn back time

Waiting for storm ‘n struggle pass
New day – new problem face alas

Patience doubtful future’s forecast
Living circumstances endurance last

Despite number respective tries
Reality for me alone destined die

Morbid thoughts knowledge ahead
Diagnosis God-awful ‘C’ October’s dread

Past few weeks filled surprise negativities
Brought thru channels hard aged perceive

Unbelievable full circle life end this way
Depression’s toll on gal each ‘n every day

Smiling ‘n its’ continual outward presence
Private life’s factual happiness mere pretense