Alcoholism – Effects on Innocents

Alcoholism – a dependence syndrome touched my life from birth until recent times.

My father was a full-blown alcoholic (a man I loved in spite of his addiction). His

days started with his house painting job and ended when the corner bar closed.

For certain this had a multitude of negative effects on my life, from living

arrangements to bullied by classmates for wearing another girl’s hand-me down clothes.

The supposed friend boasted daily about her clothing now being worn by one far

less fortunate, me.

Yes, it’s quite interesting what the mind remembers from years ago.

In my teen years at parties I’d watched my Cape Verdean boyfriend consume booze

until he actually became physically sick. I couldn’t figure out the connection as why

a fairly smart handsome young man would participate in such an activity.

I was one of the few ‘bystanders’ at parties – no way – no thanks – upchucking was

definitely not for me.

Years later I married a man whose family owned two bars. On Friday nights he’d

bartender at one for extra income. He knew better than drink all the freebies

the patrons purchased for him; he was really good at pretend and placed the cash

in a jar.

Time marched on and urban development took the bars and a new adventure

on the scene, a kitchen and lounge. For a few years weekends I waitressed the

kitchen side along with my oldest daughter. I was the nominee due to age factor

venturing over to the lounge whenever a customer requested an alcoholic

beverage.

Did I ever consume alcohol? Yes, three glasses of mixed sweet beverages

to keep hydrated throughout so many Saturday nights, a sip here ‘n there

and right back out on the dance floor.

My marital home contained a good-sized liquor cabinet; however I’m

thankful I never had the desire to indulge in other than the occasional

glass of wine served with dinner and iced cold beer (disliked taste) at

family barbecues.

Perhaps it was my outlook on life ‘don’t want my family to experience

my youth’ since a high percentage follow in their parent(s) footsteps.

This disease as it’s referred has touched many members of my former

family and sad to learn details of each one’s battle and how their life

crumbled as refusal help leaves little loved ones can do for them.

A little twist here – a man from my hometown I met on a dating site.

The first evening we dined out I noticed his glassy eyes only thought

little of them since it was winter and quite cold outdoors. With his

dinner he ordered a beer then another. I dated him on and off for

a period of three years (platonic dates since via his own words I

was a nice woman and he a player).

He suffered from OCD and issues with anxiety thus kept his dates

fairly local. Eventually he told me his story over a three-hour Chinese

meal. He drank due to the loss of his mother at a young age. I

encouraged him to seek help; however my attempts were in vain

One day I plain tired of his games, we parted ways and no

longer communicate via phone nor e-mail messages.

Done!

There’s a valid reason for my writing this post today. A few

months ago I interacted with someone from the creator app my

family has been working for near four years.

The man’s lip synching evoked emotions within me, a gal who’d

pretty much managed to numb out her feelings on life in general.

We became virtual friends and he shared parts of his life, his

treatment and the mechanisms of day-to-day life and the

12-step journey.

I researched a bit and tried my best to let him know how

valuable life is and share with him how at times we all suffer

from degrees of depression.

Then without warning he chose to shut me out – OUCH. My

beautiful inspirational quotes were delivered, perhaps he did

read them only the messenger app’s gray check with a white

tick alerted me to the fact I was being ignored.

This was the end of another journey for me and like before

in the end it was I who’d experience anguish at the loss of a friend.

I’ve vowed never to repeat this pattern again unless the person

with the problem is an actual ‘immediate’ family member.

I’d been warned, I didn’t listen and even at this late stage in

life the wrath of rejection following good deeds is quite hurtful.

What Do You See #85 – June 7th 2021

A kitten so adorable, so tiny compared to a full-grown cat captures my heart.

I think back of teenage days, a trip to my girlfriend’s uncle’s farm and a litter

of kittens awaiting adoption inside a red barn.

That Sunday I would return home with my first pet, a calico kitten.

I named her Toastie perhaps due to her multi-colors – hard to remember now.

She was an indoor kitten who when I went to school would tear the wallpaper

to shreds.

Perhaps that’s what today is referred to as separation anxiety from the only

individual in the household who was capable of actual love, me.

I don’t know how long Toastie was with me – perhaps my parents intentionally

let her go outdoors when I was studying hard at school.

Thinking back ‘she disappeared’ were the words told to me.

I’d never see my cute, cuddly Toastie again.

She was the first and last kitten / cat in my life.

Although I always preferred cats versus dogs once married I heard the word, ‘NO’.

https://lifeafter50forwomen.com/2021/06/07/what-do-you-see-85-june-7th-2021/

Why Am I Here?? I Ask Myself

Today’s submission highlights another numerical square of October’s calendar page. (check)

Recently I received a notification, an anniversary celebration 4 (four) years blogging.


Sadly the followers count appears to place me in the ‘not so popular’ rank / category.

I’ve done my best while dealing with a vast amount of negative circumstances – most

which I chose not to share – as personal info I consider to be private.

I believe we all like to feel we belong somewhere in this vast world only right


now I’m numb.

Every time I join a group the majority of others have a significant other on whom they


can rely.

Since I’m human I can’t help but wonder ’bout all those ‘whys’ with no valid answers.

I feel the need to rethink this goal a bit and decide either to pursue / continue or

quit / give up.

To those bloggers who interact with me and leave nice comments I say ‘Thank you’.

Okay I guess my thoughts are now headed for Blogosphere.

I face the decision to return tomorrow or leave the world of writing over here.












Death of a Child – Heartbreaking

June 25th – year 1995
Age 28 – too young to die

Daughter’s three-day ICU stay
Prayed, cried – reality God-awful day

Final tests taken Mother recalls
Results received inhouse hospital call

Nurses’ station stand listened intently
Aware eyes on me curious watch reaction relentlessly

Somehow managed though difficult hold composure
Return room – shut door – punch walls – scream – no Lord!

A quarter century ago life changed for numerous loved ones
To date we think, we cry, we miss you – days even feelings numb

Moments in time on Earth smile, recollect with pride so special
Today as usual I pray you’re dancing in Heaven amidst all the Angels

 

 

St. Patrick’s Day 2020

Life zigzagging off course
Invisible enemy Coronavirus
Isolation rules  bans enforced

Family gathering St. Paddy’s Day dinner
Corn beef ‘n cabbage scrumptious winner
Cancelled – order takeout delivery manner

Worldwide millions daily regimen disrupted
Morning read articles politicians corrupted
First day felt desire applaud friends anti-Trumpees  

Appear country leader ignore magnitude health crisis
Elected officials wait orders ‘what to do’ teeter edge abyss
Relax – it will go away – common sense – epidemic impossible dismiss 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Loneliness – an Emotional Prison

Alone on park bench I sit

Amidst beautiful flowers

Rays of radiant sunshine

Caress my worn-out face

Feeling so very defeated

Tired of life’s daily rat race

Who feign happiness this new year

What happened – a setback find myself return sad place

When others speak unimportant woes I think disgrace

Why instant stomach churns rocks wish at them throw 

Scream out loud – Shut up since my plight you don’t know

The journey taken thru dark places taught me distrust humans

I find it so very hard to believe faithfulness turn questionable God’s plan.

sad with no shoulder to cry on

 

JusJoJan Day No: 12

Today's word: gravity

The gravity of his illness was much worse. Who knew?

I'd researched the neurological disorder ALS and found although no
cure a patient could live another two to five years.

The holidays were upon us - extra duties - extra fuss.

I thought I'd check on my old friend. 

Happiness turned to sadness once I learned the reason for lack of
messages from him.

Years of employment; his retirement cut short. 

I sit. I think. I wonder. 

Was this man's newfound interest in the Lord starting in 2017 a prelude
genesis preparation to deal with the gravity of his then undiagnosed 
health situation. 

JusJoJan Day No: 12